An Open Letter To Those Posting On The Barbaro Message Board

Hello, and Good Afternoon, Morning or Evening:

You will not want to read this, nor will you want it read to you.

You are pathetic.

I'm not addressing this to the pre-adolescent girls who write in because they love horsies and dolphins and who stopped eating meat because it meant a poor little animal had to die. I'm referring to the adults here. You are truly pathetic.

Let's get one thing straight, right off the bat: It's a FUCKING horse. I know you can't be stupid enough not to realize that, but the personal nature of your messages led me to think you might need a reminder. Barbaro (or BBBB, BBH, or whatever stupid fucking anagram you strained your limited capacity for cleverness to come up with) neither knows -- nor cares -- about your messages of support. If he lived to be 1,000 he would never, EVER, develop the cognitive functions necessary to think, "Hey, somebody's wishing me well! That was really sweet."

If you took every card, letter and gift sent to wish him a speedy recovery and placed them directly in his stall, Barbaro would never so much as acknowledge them with a grateful whinny. He would likely eat them, shit on them, or perform some combination of the two.

So why bother in the first place? I have a few theories:

1. You are old and alone. Your contact with other human beings is limited, at best. You have a collection of horse paintings and Hummel figurines that fill the empty spaces in your house where people would normally go. You strongly disapprove of things. You write letters to the editor.

2. You are a Wonder Bread-eating, Wal-Mart frequenting, dyed-in-the-wool Middle American. You go to church without fail and live on a street where every house looks exactly the same. You watch more PAX television than the average coastal American. You include Bible quotes in your e-mail signatures whenever possible, even though you've never read the entire thing.

(I highly recommend the Second Book of Maccabees, especially the part where the mother is forced to watch her sons being cut up and boiled alive by the enemy. Good stuff. When is Mel Gibson getting to work on that adaptation?)

You consider According To Jim cutting-edge satire, and you still think the war in Iraq was a good idea. Anything different (i.e., "black") scares you. You truly fear that people are trying to "take the Christ out of Christmas." You are the reason America's Funniest Home Videos has been on television non-stop since 1989.

3. You are a burnt-out hippie leftover living on an organic farm at least 50 miles from any major city. You wear Birkenstocks and don't believe in mowing your lawn. Despite St. Thomas Aquinas's arguments to the contrary, you believe all animals have souls. Valiant efforts notwithstanding, your homemade vegan meals always taste like nothing more than seasoned tofu. You've never actually ridden a horse, although you've had several acid trips where you felt like you did.

(By the way, these all apply to women. If you're a man posting to the Barbaro message board, you might be a pussy. I'm just saying.)

4. You are a Deadspin commenter and trying to sneak a thinly-disguised parody of the other posts onto the message board. Good luck with that. It's no longer likely to happen, thanks to the humorless bags of delusion who care more about a goddamned horse than about actual human suffering. (Where's the message board for the Sudan, anyway? Darfur, hope the slaughtering ends soon. Love U!)

Group number 4, you are the only ones worth the oil it will take to fry you in Hell.

Barbaro's MySpace Page [I Party With Smoot, WE SPEAK YOUR NAME.]