This weekend, the Birds travel to Foxboro to take on the Juggernaut, the Irresistible Force, the Unstoppable Onslaught, They Who Will Not Be Denied. To those of us who aren't douchebag Boston fans, the Birds are just playing the New England Patriots. Last time I checked, they were still human beings who required frequent bathroom breaks and eight hours' worth of sleep each day.
First of all, I will give credit where it's due: the Patriots are good. Very good. Disturbingly good. How good, you ask? Just look at the trail of corpses littered in their wake. The Dallas Cowboys are 9-1 and the class of the NFC, but what was their only loss? A 21-point ass-raping at the hands of the Patriots in Dallas. In other words, New England treated Dallas in their home the way the Cowboys treated Philly here.
Then there's the ever-present question of sportsmanship, or lack thereof, practiced by the Patriots. As big a prick as Bill Belichick may be (and make no mistake about, the man is a ginormous prick), the burden is not on New England to stop running up the score. The burden is on the other team's defense to stop them. Scoring is the offense's job; preventing scores is the defense's job.
You don't want to be humiliated in public and outscored 52-7? Fine, do something about it.
Here's a short list of somethings I'd like to see tried Sunday night by the Eagles, who are 15 bazillion-point underdogs this weekend (a spread likely to increase if McNabb doesn't play):
1. Start the practice squad. If we're going to get our asses kicked anyway, why bother risking our starters getting hurt? Give them an extra week to rest, recuperate and prepare for a more-winnable game against Seattle next Sunday. Imagine the look on Belichick & Company's faces when
Alright, the final score might be 100-6, New England, but how much satisfaction could they derive from what was in essence a Varsity-vs.-J.V. smack-down?
Furthermore, by starting expendable players who are hungry for attention and don't mind taking needless risks, this opens the door for my next suggestion...
2. Cheap shots and late hits aplenty are the order of the day. Now's the time to do it. The Patriots are practically begging for it. All it takes is one psychotic defensive back with nothing to lose delivering a forearm shiver under the face mask of Dante Stallworth, or a soon-to-be-waived lineman chop-blocking Rodney Harrison. If you don't think Tom Brady's ACL will be the biggest open target since Jeremy Piven in Smoking Aces, you are sorely mistaken.
And while Belichick debates whether or not to pull his own starters from the field out of fear for their safety...
3. Quintuple-cover Randy Moss. Yeah, they've got Welker and Maroney and Stallworth (though not for long -- see previous item), but Moss is their spotlight player. The Moneymaker. So hack him, hold his arms down, trip him... hell, fasten his cleats to the turf if necessary. Take the penalties, but don't stop until the final box score reads "R. Moss - 0 catches." Put that on your goddamned horse trailer, Madden.
Other possible strategies against New England:
- Pour liquid heat in their jockstraps
- After tackling a player, secretly inject them with a powerful sedative
- Imply that each and every sister of their offensive line is a dirty, dirty whore (might be good for drawing a few false-start penalties)
The bottom line is, nobody expects Philly to leave New England with a record better than 5-6, so they might as well cause some collateral damage while they're there. Trust me, thirty cities' worth of fans will thank them for it.
P.S. Hey kids! Just for fun, make a list of all the bad calls that go New England's way Sunday night. E-mail your list to Bill Simmons. Watch him scramble to justify each one, if he bothers to acknowledge them at all. What a skunk.
7 comments:
Reinstating Buddy Ryan's bounties with the practice squadders would make this interesting.
Also, the Eagles ran surprise onside kicks on opening day for I believe 3 straight years at the beginning ofhedecade. Might not be a bad idea to bring that back into the playbook
Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
I love the Pats. I grew up in Foxboro, about 10 minutes from the Stadium. But I also used to live in Philly, for 5 years down by Clark Park, and I love the city and the Eagles. In the super bowl, I couldn't bring myself to root for either team. That's why shit like this blog really gets to me... when the Cowboys were unstoppable in the early 90s, nobody wrote shit like this. Nobody took it all that seriously, or got so sour and angry over a dominant team. You shouldn't take football so seriously that you are asking for injuries. It's not funny. It's sick. What the hell is wrong with you?
Timothy,
Either you need to understand that this is satire, or I need to write better satire. I would never actually root for anyone to get injured, intentionally or otherwise!
Did you think I was serious about starting the practice squad, too? Come on, let's not read too much into this. Exaggerated rants based on real desperation over impending defeat = humor!
Also, they didn't have blogs in the early 90's, or else you would have see far worse regarding the Cowboys.
Finally, as to what the hell is wrong with me, that's between me, my therapist and my parole officer, thank you very much.
You are partially right - I ignored the fact that it was satire.
Didn't mean to get so red in the face - I really shouldn't drink and
read blogs. Anyway- what about the part about the bad calls that go
the Pats way - I assume that was satire too? given the calls
in the Indy game. Anyway, sorry about taking your blog too
seriously, I hadn't actually read any of the other parts to it -
www.patriotsdaily.com linked it.
They did? Killer!
I shouldn't drink and write blogs, personally speaking, but there you go.
As for the bad calls part -- semi-satirical. I want to see if Simmons would be man enough to ever admit when they go in the Pats favor (especially if they're the home team in a nationally-televised game). If they happen, I'd like him to respond point by point to each one, and not with some cop-out blanket reply.
I'm not saying NE doesn't get screwed on bad calls, but they are not the only ones.
"Alright, the final score might be 100-6, New England, but how much satisfaction could they derive from what was in essence a Varsity-vs.-J.V. smack-down?"
Pffft. I hate to tell you, but that's the Pats vs the first team Eagles this year anyway, even WITH that loser McNabb lined up.
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